“The Transforming Power of Gratitude”

by Stefanie Etzbach-Dale

Delivered at the First Unitarian Church of Los Angeles

November 21, 2004

Expressing gratitude does not come naturally to human beings, let’s face it! 

Spending just a short time with even the most adorable two year old will do a great deal to affirm that!   While the first words we are motivated to learn as babies tend to be words that express primary relationship:  like “mama” & “dadda”…we’re more concerned with what we want mama & dada to DO  or provide for us:  “want bottle, blankie, candy, TIVO, IPOD, want, more, want, up!”  Those are words we tend to master at a very young age!  And while we may  feel relief and gratitude when those expressed needs are met, it takes years worth of parental commands and reminders before expressing gratitude becomes second nature – if at all!

Expressing gratitude is one of those learned behaviors, like saying: “please pass the potato chips”…instead of just grabbing them!  But, somehow, learning and using the “please” word makes more sense to us because it accomplishes something!  It gets you, in most cases, not only the desired potato chips - but also a nod of approval for having achieved that result in a socially acceptable way! 

What does saying the obligatory “thank you” get you?  If you’re lucky, it gets you a “you’re welcome” and maybe another nod of approval, but that’s not even a guarantee.  Nowadays you’re just as likely to be faced with a perplexed scowl!

So what’s the big deal about expressing gratitude, or giving thanks?  Why do it?  What’s the point?

As a child I Iearned quickly that NOT doing it meant having people angry at me, or least alienated.  If a birthday package from my grandmother wasn’t responded to immediately, with a very specific set of words expressing formal gratitude, I’d hear about it!  After a while it got so that I viewed most gifts or kind acts with a bit of suspicion…wondering what kind of gratitude was expected in return and if it would be enough!  Everything seemed to have strings attached, expectations of verbalized gratitude.   And this puzzled me.  Weren’t we supposed to give without expecting anything in return? 

Then, in Sunday school, I experienced a similar suspicion – about God!  Every Sunday I’d be told how unworthy we all are of God’s love, and how grateful we should be for our mere existence!  God commands us to sing praises, I was told, and fall to our knees in prayer!  We could be stricken with plagues and famines and sent to wander the desert, and yet we were commanded to praise!  The Old Testament folks slaughtered a lot of fattened calves as a sign of gratitude, jingled a lot of tambourines…but it seemed to me that this was often because they were afraid of what God would do to them if they DIDN’T respond that way!  The “good news” of the New Testament apparently made it even more urgent for humanity to be grateful and to show that gratitude through specific acts of faith.

But none of that took into consideration that sometimes I just didn’t feel all that grateful!  Sometimes it seemed the trouble in my life overshadowed the good, and made it hard to see what I should be grateful for.   Sometimes I thought it just wasn’t appropriate to focus on the good, when there was still such a long way to go – so much obviously unfinished business in the world. 

Or I just wasn’t sure to whom I should address my thanks.  God?  Who was that God, anyway? 

It was puzzling and sometimes I still feel unsure and suspicious when it comes to gratitude.  Even when my soul is brimming with awe and wonder and joy and the deepest satisfactions it is capable of – there is an awkward hesitance around expressing that gratitude.  Will it be enough?  Will it be the right kind?  Will it be acceptable in thine eyes? Sometimes  I STILL ask:  isn’t it enough to FEEL grateful?  Why express gratitude? And to whom?

The holiday of Thanksgiving brings up similar questions.  I can’t help but look at that whole Norman Rockwell image of loving, perfectly behaved and neatly dressed families, gathered enthusiastically around grandma’s lace tablecloth – piled high with a staggering display of food.  Is that serene, intact, family image the reality for most Americans?  Is that what we really look like, behave like?  Do we all live with such abundance?   I don't think so!!! And -- don’t various medical associations specifically warn against that kind of binge-eating?

And what about that story about the Pilgrims and the Indians?  Have we been doing it justice?  It’s wonderful that we NOW acknowledge the vital role the Wamp-ano-ag Indians played in the survival of the early colonists…that friendship grew in that first year.  I don’t remember hearing that version when I was in grade school.  But why is the rest of the story such a blur…the story that explains why so few Wamp-ano-ag’s remain on this continent, why the original tribal cultures are preserved mostly behind glass in a few select museums, or in out-of-the-way reservations?  Is it right for us to pat ourselves on the back every year for having shared ONE harvest meal with the very people responsible for the survival of our national ancestors --  knowing that we made so difficult their own survival…and that we have NOT treated each other or the earth as Chief Seattle implored us to?

How can we, today, position ourselves in relation to this world and live out a true gratitude?

In facing these questions, I look to my Unitarian Universalist religious values for clues.  I turn to the principles we covenant together to affirm and promote.  And in the process, I begin to recognize several things...One, is that expressing gratitude to people who have extended themselves with kindness, strings or no strings, expectations or no expectations, is a way of honoring not only their individual worth and value, but the worth and value of relationship itself – of interdependence -- the worth and value of the web of life! 

We have a chance to know this, to FEEL this, when someone turns to US and says “thank you” or “I’m glad you’re here”…as I invited you to experience with each other earlier!  We have a chance to know this and feel this, when we overcome our own hesitation to offer such words, or our own sense of feeling awkward, or suspicious.  And when we are in the position of receiving words or other signs of gratitude, we know and feel on some level that is a TRANSFORMING experience.  It is a way of acknowledging what is sacred and acknowledging that we do belong to each other!  Overcoming the hesitation to offer or receive signs of gratitude, can help remind us of what it is we truly believe about ourselves as human beings.  It can remind us to not take anything for granted…not because we are unworthy, but precisely the opposite:  because WE ARE, ALL of us, so VERY WORTHY…worthy of being appreciated in overt ways!  Worthy of not having to guess about the impact we have on each other.  Worthy of expressing awe and wonder and joy… Through this “reminding process” we are changed from a feeling of suspicion or unworthiness, to an awareness of our place in the world and our primary relationship with each other!   We are made AWARE, and thus transformed!

Another aspect of this, is that as Unitarian Universalists we are not bound to one idea of God, or one particular way to respond to God.  We are free to envision God or “Ultimate Reality” according to the strengths of our minds and the integrity of our conscience, drawing on a rich living tradition of wisdom!  We may not be able to know fully the truth of Ultimate Reality -- we may not be able to agree on what we DO know!   But we CAN perceive certain things.  We CAN look around and notice the extraordinary beauty of the earth:  every shining pine needle, every sandy shore, every mist in the dark woods, every meadow, every humming insect.  Chief Seattle said: All are holy in the memory and experience of the people…and I say these holy things are with us EVEN when we find in the world evidence of unholiness!    And there is PLENTY of that!  There’s no doubt that there is fear and injustice, hunger and intolerance, ugliness and unfinished business in the world!  There’s no doubt that these things need our on-going attention and this is NO TIME time to give ourselves over to the idea that we are a perfect people or a perfect nation.  (pause) There is work to be done!

But like the pilgrims and the Wampanoags in the midst of their own work, we can perceive the threads that unite us.  We CAN notice how amazing life IS, how many wonderful and joyful things and experiences there still are to be hopeful and grateful for…EVEN if it’s not perfect YET.  Even if life is tough and there’s more than plenty to do!  WE decide how to be in relationship with the fullness of Reality…and while it probably shouldn’t involve slaughtering fattened calves, it MAY well involve singing!  It MAY involve giving voice to the meditations of your heart!  It may even involve the jingling of tambourines…or the sharing of food with each other…or the simple phrase: “I’m glad you’re here today!”  We can decide to make a gift of our lived experience to each other and to the Source of all things…to whatever or whoever that may be! 

Why NOT allow gratitude to spill GENEROUSLY over into the world???

Well, one of the reasons I can come up with is related to what I shared earlier about my own struggles with this.  Gratitude has become devalued in our society!  Ever since the Enlightenment we’ve been becoming ever more proud of our individuality, of our so-called independence!  We’ve called into question not only our need for and responsibility to each other, but our need for a God who would command unconditional and specific acts of devotion…and that calling into question is not a bad thing.  It’s just gone a bit far.   It’s gone TOO far when “thank you” is something we get MOST OFTEN from automated machines…from computerized phone messages or printed cashier receipts.  It’s gone too far when our focus, as a person or a nation, is on entitlement, or taking for granted the gifts of life…on insecurity about what we really meant to each other, or on expectation regarding what forms of gratitude we most want to receive.

Expressing gratitude may sometimes be a matter of living up to socially acceptable behavior…and that’s not a bad thing either because we ARE social beings!  But it is far MORE valuable when we allow gratitude to transform our lives!  When we allow it to help us overcome our hesitation, help us notice the good that exists DESPITE the work that must still be done…when it helps us overcome “have-to’s” and reach out…with a generosity of spirit that truly reflects our deepest religious beliefs!  That helps us honor the individual worth and the web of life, with ALL of its diversity of threads!.

That’s the transforming power of gratitude!  That’s what Thanksgiving CAN BE…and that’s what I invite YOU to make it!  Thanksgiving doesn’t need football or grandma’s lace tablecloth or a serene gathering of well-behaved family members to make it meaningful…although that would be nice!  With or WITHOUT pumpkin pie, as you face this holiday week…I invite you take time to notice your own journey…the foreign shores you have knelt upon, literal or metaphorical..the hope that fueled you and continues to guide your days, the moments of awe and wonder, the kindnesses given and those received…as well as the more challenging aspects of this unfinished world.    Take time to notice, and take time to ALLOW gratitude to rise up in your hearts and spill over into the world.  It’ll do YOU good…and the world certainly NEEDS it .  Let the transformation begin.    Thank you for being here.  Amen