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Connections Are Made Slowly
Delivered by Stefanie S. Etzbach-Dale
August 15, 2004
Unitarian
Universalist Congregation
48 Shelter Rock Road
Manhasset, New York
“Connections are made slowly…you cannot tell always by
looking what is happening.”
These
words, in fact the entire poem by Margie Piercy, struck me
as I prepared to come here today, to my “home church.” It
speaks to my experience and the role this church plays in
it.
It’s
been three years since I left this place, just before
September 11th, for Meadville Lombard Theological
School in Chicago…and then internship in Los Angeles. And
it’s been only somewhat longer since I sat in the back pew
here, listening intensely for the words, the sounds and the
silences that might guide me to figure out what it’s all
about: in the words of our reading, how to “live a life I
could endure.”
Like
many of you, I yearned to feel assured that it ‘does make a
difference what we do with the brief span of years given
us,’ and I anxiously awaited the times when these – and my
inner curtains -- would lift -- when I would behold with new
eyes the potential of each day…and unabashedly “spread like
the squash plant that overruns the garden!”
Back then I yearned also to hear affirmed that hiding could
be an important part of getting found: “gnawing in the dark
and using the sun to make sugar” … ‘penetrating quietly’ or
simply abiding within the embrace of cool, damp Mystery --
as the season would have it! In my own ‘long season of
tending and growth,’ which is far from over, these yearnings
were crucial! And to be sure, all of us have had our own
tender beginnings in some such fertile places…!
Those
three years of being away feel like a lifetime to me, and it
is as I imagined it to be: a bittersweet blessing to stand
in worship with you today!
I
realize that I am a stranger to most of you, and you to me.
I am a stranger in part precisely because of my own, very
long season of gnawing in the dark…even while I shared this
sanctuary and this denomination with you! As an introvert I
had a hard time stepping out of the pew, engaging with
groups of others, even the kindest, most welcoming others.
Coffee hour, which to many is a welcome opportunity to catch
up with people, was a great challenge for me, as was the
prospect of working in committees.
In the
time since, as I moved away from the familiarity of this
place, experiencing the challenges that faced my personal
life and the world post-911, I grappled with the meaning of
community: of being part of a religious congregation,
especially one where I wasn’t very well known.
What I
discovered was that there’s much more to coffee hour than
meets the eye, and there’s also more to what happens alone
in the pews! There are so many ways to learn about what it
takes to live a life we can endure…and to have that life be
about more than mere endurance; to have it be about ‘getting
found by finding others.’ Ultimately, this requires a
choice, an intentional act, a healing…and that has a lot to
do with my connection to this church. It has a lot to do
with my call to ministry.
That’s
what germinated within my soul, within my heart and mind, as
I sat quietly in this very room…bathing my yearnings in the
light of reason, the colors of doubt; clothed in music and
in fellowship that I was still too timid to fully accept or
openly reciprocate…That vision is what made me leave my
home, finally, to wander what Rev. Patrick O’Neill referred
to recently as the “desert of seminary”…to meet with the
fiery prophets of Unitarian Universalist history and
theology, to learn their languages, burn in the heat of
passion and self-doubt…I had not thought of describing
seminary in such terms, but they do fit!
It was
a foreign place, rocky and often lonely, the dust of
inconsistent thought (my own—of course) rising with every
step, choking the prophetic voice I was supposed to be
developing. Immersed in UU thought, I was cut off from UU
congregational life…
And
perhaps it’s precisely because of this experience that my
own awareness of deep connection to this congregation has
grown, even while time and distance would seem to predict
otherwise. Connections are made slowly…you cannot tell
always by looking what is happening! In that wide and
foreign place I searched for signs that would help me get my
bearing, help me understand why I was there and where it was
I should be going? What was the call to ministry really
going to be about?
As a student I began to experience other congregations, in
Chicago and Los Angeles, and it was through this that I
began to recognize viscerally the importance of
congregational life, and then the primacy of my relationship
with THIS congregation! It was not just the beautiful place
with the lovely lifting curtains I went to on Sunday
mornings...It was my soil! It was the seed and the
digging, and as my sponsor it was the planting. Through its
support of Meadville Lombard, it was desperately needed
water! I was proud to be known as a Shelter Rock member!
And your collective life, encountered through newsletters
and visits to the web site…through all-too-brief sittings at
General Assembly…through your own commitment to this faith,
your commitment to ethical, compassionate living in a world
marked by the ugliness of war…you were the light and the
air…as well as the roots, tangling and interweaving with my
own under that desert floor.
It was this connection which helped me find my way in the
desert…Time and distance are NO barriers! It took my
leaving to become aware of this. No matter where I go, that
connection will always ground me. You see? Appearances CAN
be deceiving!
Regardless of which patch of soil we come from or now live
upon: east coast, mid-west, west coast…middle-east!
Regardless of what physical form we inhabit: the shape,
texture or color of our skin, our eyes, our hair; the
agility of our limbs, the coverings we place upon
them…introvert-extrovert… Regardless of the language of our
Awe…the connections ARE there! Underground often, out of
sight maybe, hiding…but they’re there! They’re in these
pews, AND in the social hall. They’re in the solitary
gnawings in the dark as well as the tangle of shared ideas
and encouragements. They live in the tears and the blood of
countless wounds, the world over, as well as in the
seedlings of hope each still-beating heart nurtures. There
ARE no barriers, time and distance CANNOT divide…and it DOES
make a difference what we do with the brief span of years
given us!
I’ve since learned that it DOES make a difference how we
show up: if we’re too willing to ‘hide real good’ (the way
I did back then), too willing to give up on FINDING, or get
caught up in blaming and yelling…when that happens we ALL
LOSE! This is part of what I hope to bring into my
ministry. Robert Fulghum’s story shows that we have a
choice WHICH game we’re going to play…who’s going to be
invited and how many ‘winners’ there will be! But what will
that choice be based upon?
Choice is a big part of what Unitarian Universalism is
about. It’s the recognition that humans, as rational
beings, are capable of free choice…are called, in fact, to
CHOOSE choice.
And we make choices every day, though unfortunately, many
are achieved without much conscious thought. If we really
ARE all connected beyond time and distance: if we ARE each
other’s soil and seed, digging, planting, and watering…how
does that affect the choices we make? What is our
responsibility to help each other? How can we acknowledge
each other…find each other across the span of EACH of our
individual deserts?
Our Puritan forefathers and mothers dedicated their lives to
creating communities that would express the deep
connection THEY felt with one another. However, THEY chose
to have that connection limited to what they called the
fellowship of saints, those who shared their faith in Jesus
as savior. Those considered in conflict with this faith
were EXCLUDED, as troublemakers, sinners.
Poor choice, I say. A loss for all concerned!
And it makes me think: what if I had been excluded from
this community? What if my hesitance at the entryway to the
social hall, my painful shyness, had been interpreted as a
kind of conflict with this faith? What if my membership had
been judged invalid…if I had not been allowed the gift of
journeying among you, in my own introverted way? Where
would I be now? Where would any of us, in similar
situations, be?
Today we are aware of the reality and the gift of diversity
as never before: not just in terms of religious belief, but
the full spectrum of diverse human experience! We know that
the human experience is a complex one – we each have our own
gifts and challenges. It’s not easy and it’s certainly not
about being perfect to achieve heavenly reward. It’s about
being human, aspiring to behold the potential of each day
with new eyes so that we can create a just earthly realm!
We also know, on some level, that conscious choice,
compassion, intentional outreach and inclusivity are all
required to honor that reality. Excluding some because that
makes it less complicated for the rest is NOT a viable
option. Hiding ‘too good’… giving up on the seeking,
blaming and yelling are also not viable options! Our
Universalist heritage guides us in the recognition that
we’re all inherently in this together…no exceptions! And
what is done to one is done to all…
That connection may be slow in the making, it may look
different for each of us, but on some level we KNOW this…!
It’s not just about this room, or this building, or even
this denomination…although all of these deserve our ongoing
attention! It’s about all of life…about the kind of PLAYERS
we CHOOSE to be. Olly-olly-oxen-free…!!! What connections
do we recognize, what choices can we make today? How can
they reflect what we know to be true about time and distance
and interdependence? How willing are we to really get
found? There is no reason we should remain strangers to one
another. There is no reason anyone should remain invisible
under a pile of leaves!
This world is in need of healing. There are many ways in
which that might happen, as many ways as there are people!
My way, as I am beginning to see it now, will be sourced in
what I have learned HERE about connections…especially the
ones that are not that easily seen…and about the choices
they inspire…and I thank you for that!
And I encourage each of you to take a closer look at this
beautiful place…OUR congregation. Look at the soil we
share, the seeds of hope and kindness, the tender shoots of
trust and the tangle of rooted relationships. Notice how
far out into the world they go! Chicago…Los
Angeles...wherever ANY of our members, even our potential
members, go…the reach is even farther! Take your time…look
around. Nurture what you see AND what is hidden from
view. Connections ARE made slowly…and they are WORTH IT!
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